my brain is made up of many different compartments. Sure, so is every one's I suppose. But I use mine that way. I can be extremely sad about one thing while being thrilled of another. Or pumped to do something... and yet, really depressed by it.
Have I confused you yet?
In other words... This morning, I was super pumped. Thinking... I can do this! I can do this! I want to be a photographer... so just... be one! get out there, get some experience, try to do an assistant job whether it pays crap or not at all. It'll be one of the best things I can do for myself.
I get home, apply for the general, no creativity stuff and try to contact some local freelance photographers I actually like to see if they need someone like me. Spunky, intelligent, hard working, diligent and personable. I haven't heard anything back, so I'm upset about that...
But while I'm extremely pumped about getting my foot in some one's photography door, I'm extremely depressed. I look at all the good things in my life: a freaking awesome partner, difficult kitties, the ability to do what we do and not worry about it, planning for Harry Potter World (and other things, but that's my main focus).... and those things make me happy. Meanwhile, I'm saddened at different situations. So I'm happy and depressed.
Makes sense huh? Well.. no, it really doesn't. Because I'm just depressed about one thing, not my whole life. Yeah, sometimes I sit there and curse the Greek Gods for not dealing me a better hand, but really??? It wasn't so bad for them to do anything about it. And I know more than most, that I have to take whatever I want, or do whatever I have to in order to get what I want... It's just making me a Debby-Downer.
Sorry.. I'm just upset. I came home, tried to do all this stuff and I think.. to what end? Where will this get me? Sitting in this same position as I am now? Hoping that I'll win that lucky ticket. That I'll be the one chosen to pursue something I love doing. I think the toughest part is not trying to involve Craig. He's got enough on his plate with his work that he doesn't need my stupid feelings and blubber to deal with too.
1 comment:
What is Harry Potter World? Also, I can understand how something that brings you joy can make you frustrated at the same time. I think that you will get an assistant job, expecially if you can expand your portfolio. You will do great!
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